I'm in the back eating your birthday cake.
There were 10 customers celebrating birthdays and 3 couples celebrating their anniversaries at my restaurant on ONE night last weekend. I am so happy that people choose to come to our establishment for their big nights out, but generating excitement -- over the same thing -- for multiple tables in one evening can be exhausting.
One time I had three couples next to each other in my section, and they were all there for their anniversary dinner. I got embarrassed because surely, table #1 and #2 heard me delivering the exact same sentiments to table #3 that I had previously said to them. I try to mix it up by asking questions such as "Where did you get married?" or "What was your wedding song?" but it bothers some guests that I'm asking them personal information. So, I recite the same rote lines, table after table.
And is it wrong that I favor the table that's been married the longest? When I have one couple that's out for their 10th , but then I get sat with a couple who's celebrating their 20th, in my head I'm like, "Ok, you guys win. Those two don't know shit about marriage." And when anyone celebrating 50 years or more walks through the door, they are my new VIP.
If you think I could get away with simply saying, "Happy Anniversary," or "Happy Birthday," then boy are you wrong. If enough of a damn isn't given for a special occasion, guests will complain. A lot. Apparently money buys them good food, a nice atmosphere, and a server who will do cartwheels to celebrate the umpteenth birthday they've seen that evening. I will do those cartwheels -- gladly -- because people have a choice and they've chosen us. I'm just saying that when you see multiple celebrations every night, it can be stressful. "Is this special enough?! Do I seem like I care enough?! You turned another year older YOU ARE THE BEST MOST UNIQUE BIRTHDAY GIRL EVER MUCH BETTER THAN THE MAN AT TABLE 52 AND THE WOMAN AT 41 WHO WERE BORN THE SAME DAY AS YOU."
What follows are a few insider tips about celebrating a special occasion at a restaurant.
1. If you are a large party and anyone in your group comes in beforehand to sprinkle confetti on the table to "make it more festive," everyone in the restaurant is mad at you. Yes, they are grinning like a fool and saying "That looks great, we could use some more down on this end!" But two weeks from now when your special dinner is but a pleasant memory, servers will still be finding your "40 and fabulous" confetti in their apron pockets and cursing your name.
2. Favors, however, are cool. One lady put masks at everyone's place setting, and they had a blast. Sometimes people make "placemats" out of photocopied pictures of the honorees. Mess free and fun, that's something we can all get behind.
3. If you're in a large group, then give toasts! They're fun to hear and give the restaurant staff some time to catch up. These are good times to do so: Immediately after your order is taken, when everyone is getting close to the end of their entree or when they're eating cake. These are bad times to do so: before everyone has a drink, when you suspect the food is arriving shortly or any time you're drunk or feel like talking for more than 90 seconds. It's a toast, not a soliloquy.
4. If you bring your own cake, the server should bring it out with candles on it, let you snap some pics, and then take it to the back to be sliced and plated for you. This is more convenient for you, and it allows us to steal some for ourselves. A lot of guests are smart enough to realize we want some, and gracious enough to offer. Even if you don't, we've probably nabbed a slice. For shame.
Listen, I'm not saying I'm proud of it. BUT IT'S CAKE. Cersei Lannister knows what I'm talking about.
5. Cool it with the candles. Any restaurant worth a damn will have birthday candles. Just let them use the standard and let's all move on. Novelty candles are no longer novel. So 86 the sparklers, the ones that re-light when you blow them out, the spinning lotus flower that opens up to 12 more candles. Walking through a restaurant while maintaining a lit candle is an incredibly difficult exercise -- there are drafts and that shit is going to blow out. Cut us some slack and let us come out with a few tasteful candles that we can easily protect from wind with a plate or an upside-down wine glass.
Too many. Far too many. But I'm like a sports car when I head for the dining room: eye roll to huge grin in 2.5 seconds.
6. I question if the dinner table at a nice restaurant is the proper place to open a lot of presents. I can't tell you not to. But a pile of gift wrap, tissue paper and ribbon...seriously guys?
7. Don't ask us to sing. Don't ask us not to sing. Every restaurant has its own birthday policy and they're trying to create a certain image for themselves. They're either the place where you have to wear a sombrero and the staff parades out while singing and clapping, or they're the quieter place where no one sings and you get a simple "Happy Birthday" written on your plate in chocolate. You don't get your free dessert or cocktail without submitting to their thing. Just let them do their thing and don't beg for deviation from whatever that thing is. Thing.
8. If the staff IS singing to a child, JOIN IN. The sight of an overjoyed boy or girl having a roomful of strangers singing to them makes all the stress of a "10-birthday night" EXTREMELY worth it. We're making memories here, people. Work with us. Get in line and do a cartwheel.
