Who pays?
Today we tackle one of the stickiest issues to confront a server -- which payment to accept when multiple customers at a table demand that they are the one to foot the bill.
If a couple is dining, I usually place the check by the man. I am a hardcore feminist who strongly believes in gender equality, yet I strictly adhere to the 1950's notion that the man pays the bill at restaurants. I'm sorry, but in my career I've lived and learned that the guy typically signs the check. The woman will grab it if she wants to. Moving on.
If two or more people of the same gender are dining, I place the bill in the middle of the table and disappear for five minutes. I hope that when I return, there will be a credit card sticking out of the check presenter. For larger parties, I put the bill by the host. I have previously determined who the host is by using the name on the reservation, or simply by observing who seems to be running the show. I'm not above asking someone, "Are you the host?", which is a thinly-veiled way to say, "Will you be paying for these people tonight?"
But no matter what method I employ, presenting the check comes with its own politics. Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton have NOTHING on two people who insist that they are paying for dinner.
This week's memorable guest made a reservation for 8, and so at first I would assume that he was the "host" of the party. However, upon sitting, another gentleman at the table whispered quietly to my co-worker, "I am taking care of the bill tonight." As their meal went on, this sly guest got up and met my co-worker at the bar to present his credit card and ensure that he be the one to pay for dinner.
When the plates were cleared and the guests satiated, the man who had made the reservation walked up to his server and asked for the bill. She told him that the other gentleman had already paid, and his expression turned dour. After taking a deep breath and staring down at her, he whispered, "Don't ever do that to me again."
A sentence like "Don't ever do that to me again" begs so many questions, "OR WHAT?" being the first of them. It's threatening, and rude. My co-worker let it roll off her back like a pro.
I, however, was infuriated for her. THAT MAN IS AN ASSHOLE.
Here's the deal with who pays for dinner: Your server absolutely doesn't care, unless one of you appears to be a bigger tipper. Whatever personal or business relationships you bring into this situation have nothing to do with her job. If you really insist on paying, you have to be the first one to ask to pay.
YOU HAVE TO BE THE FIRST ONE TO ASK TO PAY.
YOU. HAVE. TO. BE. FIRST.
There is no other determining factor. What other tool do you want me to use to decide whose credit card to charge? Who I like best after two hours? Who begs the most? CUT IT OUT. I am not going to stand by your table while you duke it out and shove credit cards in my face.
If the people fighting over the bill are obviously rich and enjoying a fancy meal, I give even less damns about whose bank account is affected. And trust me, the affluent ones argue over this issue more than anyone else. To which I quote Shakespeare: It's a drop in your bucket, fuck it.*
Super old school. You just know that's a Diner's Club card.
It's true that I have no idea what repercussions the finances of this meal will have on my customers. Oh, they'll feel beholden if they don't pay? He'll owe him business favors? Sexual favors? Dude, whatever. That has nothing to do with my job, and an argument at the end of the night over money is ruining everything that came before it.
In summation, I ask that you please promise not to make the matter of payment any more awkward than it already is. Let's all vow not to get creepy and ominous Iike today's memorable guest when someone else treats us to dinner. If you really want to pay for a meal, give your credit card number while you make the reservation, or immediately upon sitting down. If someone beats you to payment, then accept fate and just enjoy it.
As for involving me in a fight over which wealthy person gets to enjoy the feeling of charitably giving a meal to another guest,
DON'T EVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.
*Probably not Shakespeare