A meal at a nice restaurant can take hours to complete. From amuse bouche to after-dinner madeleines, the evening is meant to be an experience that is slowly savored. I work at a restaurant whose name literally means, "Please stay here for a long time." And we mean it! We're hospitable, and accommodating, and we love your company. Come in and sit a spell.
Having established that dinner can take a while, it follows that there will certainly be circumstances when customers have to leave the table for one reason or the other. Bathroom break? Of course, let me show you where the restroom is. Important business call? I understand, and thank you for taking your cell phone conversation out of the dining room.
The serving staff doesn't expect the entire table to sit there for 3 hours straight without anyone excusing themselves at one point or another. However, there is a flow to the evening that we are working diligently to obtain. Moving efficiently from one course to the next, presenting the check and warmly bidding guests a fond farewell takes coordination and a sense of timing. To put it frankly: customers who keep getting up are messing with our groove.
First, you have the damn napkins. If you've ever been in a nice restaurant with linen napkins, you might notice that as soon as someone leaves the table, a staff member swoops in on their napkin like a hawk on prey. We are conditioned to neatly fold that linen up and place it delicately on the arm of the guest's chair, or next to their place setting. Occasionally two staff members will swiftly approach a napkin left behind by a guest and play a ridiculous goofy dance while they decide who gets to be the winning automaton who folds it up. We are losers. Don't make us fold your napkin a million times by leaving the table again and again.
Second, you have the timing of the food. When you leave the table and the entrees are ready, any restaurant worth its hefty pricing will hold the entire table's food until you get back so that everyone can dig in to a hot meal at the same time. If that isn't practical, they'll at least hold your plate at the window. When you keep hopping up, this timing is being thrown off. If you're expecting food any minute, please stay seated if you can.
Finally, WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND IT'S NEVER GOOD. Listen, folks: Excluding a medical condition, there are about 3 reasons why someone keeps getting up from the table, or disappearing for a long time.
1. They are a smoker. This is somewhat understandable and the least of my worries if a guest is gone from the table more often than they are actually seated. Whatever, smoke on. But if you've had more than 2 cigarette breaks I'm not playing the napkin-foldie game anymore with you, and I'm not holding up the kitchen, either. The food is coming out, bro, and your dinner is getting cold. But I will bring you an ashtray and a matchbook outside. Smooches, smokers.
2. They are doing drugs. Believe me when I say that coke lives on in restaurant bathrooms all across America. My boss at a bar in New York City said that at the end of the night he could wipe his palm over the countertop in the men's bathroom and it would come up covered in white dust. I repeat: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING. You've been to the restroom 15 times, you're not touching your food, and you're moving around like a hummingbird on crystal meth. This is one instance where I insist you tip big. You're doing illegal drugs on restaurant property, you're annoying to deal with, and we know you have cash to spend. Give me some of it or I'm going to NARC.
3. They are looking for a place to fuck. Yes, this happens. Anyone who has worked in this industry for any length of time has seen people reach various bases both in the public areas of the restaurant (bar stools are popular) and in more private nooks and crannies (may I suggest an unstaffed coat room?). I just don't understand why you have to do it in the middle of the meal. Please finish the food and pay your bill, then go get off at a time when the server doesn't have to wonder where the hell you went.
That's all for today! It's Friday, or as I like to call it, "Hump Day." Wish me a good dinner service with lots of asses in seats! If you're going out to eat this weekend, do your server a favor and try to remain at the table -- leave the blow at home, friends.
Sarah
