We need to talk about our kids. In restaurants.

The other night as my manager pulled a crayon-stained linen off the table, he announced, "That's it, we're no longer offering crayons in this restaurant!" The offending child hadn't simply made an accidental scribble off of her paper and onto the tablecloth -- the tablecloth was her paper. There was an entire square foot of coloring done on our crisp white fabric, in different shades. It was hard to imagine that her parents not only saw her doing it and felt it was acceptable, but then went on to encourage her to pick up another crayon and continue destroying our property. 

I've spoken before about how I enjoy waiting on children. Sometimes their sophistication regarding food and dining out really surprises me. And other times, they're just brats. I hate to say it, but when children misbehave in the restaurant, the staff are gathered in the back wondering why the hell the parents are allowing it to happen. 

My theory is that we as a business are indulging the parents in much the same way the parents are indulging the child. We simply don't want to say "no" to a guest, and therefore it's difficult for us to ask them to get their rugrats in check. It's also possible that the parents feel the hefty price tag on a dinner at our place entitles them to some property damage. 

I wish I could enlighten them: No, it doesn't. 

Take a gander at the picture below. This is by far the most disgusting table I've ever seen after the tornado that was a one-year old little girl had her way with it. 

                        OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG THE HORROR

There is so much wrong here that I had to stop to take a picture. Judging from the floor I'd say roughly 0% of her food made it to her mouth. And that poor tablecloth. I can't get over it. She had berries in her hand and her parents let her smash them into the tablecloth, one after another. They let her travel to a different part of the table and smash them over there, too. She had a plate. PEOPLE, SHE HAD A PLATE SHE COULD HAVE SMASHED THEM ON. 

I'm not only angry for myself when I see something like this, although cleaning up a mess like that is not pleasant. I'm disappointed that they don't realize how this looks to other diners. People come out to celebrate special occasions in a nice place. They don't want to see squashed macaroni all over the floor. 

So what do we wish parents would do with their kids when they come to our restaurant? 

1. Don't let them wander away from the table, at all. If they get up because they can't sit still, then a guardian has to go with them. The other night I witnessed a kid nearly crash into my co-worker who was carrying steak knives after she narrowly missed having hot french onion soup come down on her head. Moving around a busy restaurant without running into people is a ballet, and your toddler is a drunken sailor. It's not cute. It's dangerous. 

2. Fussiness is ok. Repetitive screaming is not. Take them outside, please. Please.  

3. If they aren't allowed to do it at home, don't let them do it in the restaurant. This teaches them that manners apply everywhere, and it really cuts down on excessive messes. LIKE SMASHED RASPBERRIES IN THE TABLECLOTH. 

4. If they're playing on an iPhone or iPad, they should wear headphones. The first time I heard "Let it Go" from Frozen was when it was blasting across the restaurant from some kid's tablet, disrupting my concentration and everyone's pleasant evening. 

So, now that I've given you my golden rules of dining out with kids, I want to let other parents know that I understand. Picture it: my son and I are out to lunch with my father. We sit down and it's clear that he has some energy to burn off. I'd never seen him like this before -- jumping up and down in the booth as if it were a trampoline. Climbing all over me like a jungle gym. Laughing in my face when I ask him to sit down. 

I wanted to get some food in him right away (food=distraction!) so I glanced over the menu as quickly as I could. I ordered. And in that one minute, he had drawn all over the wall in crayon. I looked up and was shocked to see how much he'd ruined in so short a time. He'd used the mirror and wood as his personal canvas. Worse yet, in the reflection of the mirror were the faces of all the other patrons who had been watching him do it. 

This photo was taken 15 minutes later, after I had gotten over the embarrassment and felt it would be a good blog post. 

The baby wipes I had with me were enough to clean his scribbles off of the mirror. But that wood would have to be sanded down to erase the rest of his attack. So, I get it. I know that sometimes kids are simply a handful and also sneaky little fuckers that can cause a lot of problems in a short amount of time. 

The difference between me and some other parents I encounter at my job is that I had some concern for the restaurant. I didn't see my son misbehave and let him continue on as if it were okay. I dragged him out of that Legal Seafood in the Philadelphia Airport and had some real talk about not acting like a fool when we go out to eat. When he calmed down and we returned to our table, his food was waiting for him. If the server saw the damage he had done, she didn't say anything. Maybe she saw that I really cared about not letting him destroy the place. So if your kid is dining out and acting up, or creating a landfill beneath his high chair, please, act like you care. Indulge me. I'll do the same for you.