Keep the Runway Clear

I presume when guests come to my restaurant and sit at our tables, that they want food to appear in front of them at some point. This is why it can be so frustrating to approach a table carrying extremely hot plates, only to find that they have cluttered the area in front of them with all manner of objects. An awkward exchange then begins wherein I try to interrupt a conversation while holding a dish that is burning off my fingerprints, and impatiently wait as the guest brushes their things out of the space in front of them. You know, the space where the plates are supposed to go.

People, this is a PSA from every server and food runner in the nation: keep the runway clear. The square foot in front of you is to remain free of your shit, at all times. Below, my husband models the most egregious examples of clutter interfering with our ability to GIVE GUESTS THE FOOD THEY ORDERED AND ARE PAYING FOR. 

Offender #1: The cell phones. Dear Lord, the cell phones. The problem with having a cell phone in my way is not just that it's inconvenient, but also that I don't want to harm it in any way by getting a liquid on it or knocking it with a heavy plate. Listen, I'm one of those old-school purists who thinks it's just rude to have a phone out in a nice restaurant anyway. I watch hundreds of people a week spoil their dinners by ignoring their table-mates. So keep it in your pants, fellas! Or in your purse, ladies.

But, I know, I know. Times are changing. I'm a fuddy duddy and food isn't going to Instagram itself. So if you must have your cell phone out, please don't put it directly in front of you. Put it in the middle of the table, past your water glass, or to the right of your knife. 

Fun fact: when you're texting at the table, I'm reading your messages. If you are an older guest with your font set to super-size? Even better. 

Offender #2: The bread plate. We take care to set the table to pretty exacting standards. For example, at my restaurant, the dinner knife is to be placed one thumbnail above the edge of the table. We know exactly where things should go. And the bread plate goes to the left of your fork. 

Here is a handy trick if you're not sure which bread plate or water glass is yours. 

Why yes, I did take this photo using the timer setting while holding my phone in my teeth. Good times.

You see how my hands form a lower-case "b" and "d?" D is for drink -- the water glass toward the knives is yours. B is for bread -- the plate on the left near the forks is yours. Please do the serving staff a favor and keep it there, on the left, away from the runway. 

And since I've mentioned silverware...

                                                                       Why.

Offender #3: Silverware. There is a small segment of the population that has to keep their silverware together. They will sit down and immediately push the forks toward the knives. Last week, I had a guest who brought them together and then placed them horizontally at the top of his table area, near his water glass. I then cleared his first course, and passive-aggressively brought his entree fork back down to his left, and his steak knife to his right. When I returned with his second glass of wine, his silverware was pushed to the top again, horizontally. The dining public is full of weirdos, you guys. 

While it might seem that moving the silverware around is no big deal, let me assure you that it adds to the clutter in front of you and limits space. Until you need to use your silverware, just leave it alone. 

Offender #4: All the crap that comes along with children. Remember when I say this that I have a child of my own, and I love kids: they lack sense and an awareness of their surroundings. Bless their hearts. I'm not only talking about kindergartners, either. The angsty teenager brooding over his cell phone takes no less time to get his act together than does the three year old with a dump truck. When the parents see me coming, I pray they'll alert their kids. 

And let me hammer home why all of this is a pet peeve of ours. Plates are hot, yo. Behold the plate warmer. 

This contraption is spring loaded. When the cooks put a bunch of dishes into the plate warmer, it sinks them down into the pits of hell, where they heat up to ridiculous degrees so that the food doesn't get cold too quickly when placed upon them. They're not scalding hot when we touch them for a moment, but they can really start to burn when they're in our hands for the walk to the table. And when we stand to a guest's right silently praying that they'll hurry up and get their cell phone out of our way, our fingers are doing a ridiculous dance on the bottom of the plate, pressure going from ring finger to middle finger to pinky, never staying long enough on any single digit to cause real damage. 

So save us from feeling the burn when your food is coming in for a landing! Keep the runway clear.