WHEN YOU ARE THE LAST TABLE AT A RESTAURANT
The last table of the evening to take a seat always gets a bad rap. Hell, I bitched about one in particular in my last post. When it's close to closing time, most of the restaurant staff just wants to go home, and everyone is in the mindset of “Let’s clean up and get the hell out of here.”
However, people who walk through the door five minutes to close still have every right to a good meal. I will even go so far as to say that restaurant doors should stay open five minutes AFTER the posted closing time. I can hear other servers grumbling at me over the internet just by typing that, but guess what? YOU ARE IN THE HOSPITALITY BUSINESS AND IT’S THE POLITE THING TO DO. Good servers don’t slam doors in people’s faces because they’re a few minutes late.
There is a Golden Girls GIF for EVERYTHING.
I will always take the last table. Some servers don’t want it, because they have to open the next day and are tired. Sometimes, servers feel they’ve made enough that night and just don’t feel like waiting on any more guests. Me? I like money. I want more of it. The last table of the evening is nothing more than one last greedy cash grab. My favorite “last table” was a group of people returning from a day at the horse races who wanted to spend their winnings on good food and booze. My least favorite “last table” was a couple for whom the restaurant served as a coke-snorting playground while their food remained untouched on the table. (Thanks for the $20 and 2 hours of my life I’ll never get back, assholes).
If you are the “last table” seated at a restaurant, it doesn’t matter if you’re awesome guests, or pretty despicable people. The following are some unwavering truths about what’s going on while you eat well past closing time.
1. Anyone who has seen you walk in is running to the back to tell the cooks that you have arrived. Cooks generally do not care for this news.
It's been a hard day. Panda cook just wants to go home and relax with some bamboo.
2. Servers are arguing over who has to take your table. Occasionally, someone like me will step up and volunteer. More often than not, servers are in the back trying to get rid of your table like it’s a bad case of crabs. This frequently involves going out to get a visual on you so they can stereotypically assess what kind of money they think you’ll spend.
3. Once you’ve been assigned a server, the show begins: he greets your table and employs any tactic he can to move things along. In short, he’s rushing you. It’s very subtle, but trust when I say that he doesn’t talk to the 5:00 tables this way.
4. While you eat, everything in the back is cleaned up and people are quite literally waiting around for you to finish. There is simply nothing left to do. Some servers are smoking out back. Others are on their phone. Updates on your progress are being reported to everyone like it’s a matter of national security. “Cleared salad plates. Firing second course. Handing out dessert menus.”
5. Speaking of dessert, a pastry chef is repeatedly asking (bugging) the server if you will be having any. They sooooo don’t want you to, and they want you to tell your server as soon as possible, so they can go home.
6. When you’re given the check, your server will use his best bit of reverse psychology on you and say, “There’s no rush.” Lies.
7. When you get up to leave, an army of huge smiles from the remaining staff will beam at you with gratitude as you walk out the door. Hallelujah, we can go home!
For leaving.
8. Your table will be cleared and re-set within 2 minutes of you leaving. In fact, if you take a step outside, realize you left your phone on the table, and run back in to retrieve it, you will be shocked at how quickly all traces of your existence in the restaurant have been erased. It looks like you were never there. Someone’s got your phone, and will be happy to use it to call you a cab…You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here!
