Poor servers. We work with people who assume we're not very smart. I wish people wouldn't judge a book by it's cover, but I get it. Waiting tables doesn't require an advanced degree. Few kids look to the future with a glint in their eye and say, "I want to be a waitress when I grow up!"
Another problem with our image is that a lot of people have worked in restaurants, or served for a summer job. They think they mastered that part-time gig as a kid and moved on to something more complicated and cerebral. But what I do for a living is far removed from slinging pizzas at a Italian joint as an eighteen-year old college kid (Which I did. So many garlic knots). I know a lot about food. I know a lot about allergies, cooking methods, restaurant trends, and groundbreaking restaurateurs. I'm no fool! But I'm getting defensive.
And here's why. It's the splitting checks, honestly. When it comes to an interaction with guests, everything up to that point could have been perfect. I could have ushered customers through their meal with the grace of a ballerina. I could have charmed their pants off and made the guest of honor feel like a king. But then it happens: They drop the bomb on me. They want separate checks. This person and that person belong on the same check, but everyone is paying for that person, and the lady at the head of the table wants to pay for all the wine. People, parsing a bill out like this takes time. When I spend more than 2 minutes performing the check dissection, I emerge from the side station, and it's happened. My guests are looking at me like I'm an idiot.
So do you want to know why it's hard and takes a while? Here's why.
REASON NUMBER 1: OUR SYSTEMS ARE NOT AS ADVANCED AS YOU MAY THINK
Almost all restaurants these days use a "point-of-sale" (POS) system to enter orders that will be printed in the kitchen. Servers have to use these same POS systems to split a check. And guess what? They are prehistoric! I use the nation's most popular system, powered by a huge technological giant, and it is still tedious and clunky. When I first used it, I was shocked to see that the POS interface looks like MS-DOS.
Dear Millennials: You're precious. This is MS-DOS, a precursor to Snapchat.
Our POS system is buggy, and it crashes, and it hamstrings every effort we make to be as efficient as possible. Of course, the more complicated the request, the higher the probability that the system will go down. Guests want me to split a check right down the middle?
Strong. Confident. I am the best server in the world.
Another table wants me to split the check ten ways?
Please don't let the system crash, please don't let the system crash, please don't let the system crash....
And if the POS does crash? Well, that takes a reboot. And that takes forever.
REASON NUMBER 2: IT'S NOT OUR ONLY TABLE
If a group wants me to split their check in a complicated manner, then I have to budget an extra ten-fifteen minutes of my time to be spent in front of a computer terminal. It's simply not fair to my other tables. I will visit every one of my other guests before I go in the back to begin the split. Sorry, but splitting checks is low on my list of priorities.
REASON NUMBER 3: MANAGER PERMISSION
When larger parties dine out, servers will frequently add a gratuity to the total of the bill. This often requires a manager override, which means that a server has to track down a manager on a busy night and have them enter the gratuity manually. If a check is split eight different ways? Then the manager has to manually enter the gratuity eight different times. This takes time.
And after all of the above is completed, and I present the table with eight different check presenters? They in turn give ME eight different credit cards to run. I do a 180, head back to the computer terminal, and start swiping cards as fast as I can.
So, splitting checks is going to add an extra wait to your check time. This a truth. Accept that which you cannot change.
WHAT CAN YOU DO TO MOVE THE PROCESS ALONG?
1. FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, LET US KNOW AHEAD OF TIME
Tell us as soon as possible that you plan on paying separately. If people who are sitting at different seats around the table are to be put together on the same check, make a big show of pointing this out.
"I'm paying for that guy over there in the blue shirt, and the kid with his face in the ipad."
This gives us a HUGE heads up to be careful regarding how we enter your order, so that we can easily separate it at the end of your meal.
2. STAY IN THE SAME DAMN SEATS
Absolutely everything is divided according to your "seat number." Don't move around during the meal. If you're dining with another couple and you both have your kids along, try to have them sit in the same place until their dinner arrives. It makes things much easier.
3. CONSIDER SPLITTING THE BILL EVENLY
The funny things about people who insist on having their check split per item is that the bills rarely differ by more than about twenty bucks. That difference might mean a lot to some people who are struggling to make ends meet, and I understand. But I have extremely wealthy people quibble with me over who ordered the side salad. What's your time worth, man? If you want me to take that salad off your check and marry it to someone else's check and then RE-authorize your credit card, then guess what? You'll be sitting there even longer.
4. LET'S NOT GET CRAZY
Some restaurants limit the amount of split checks that they allow. I really wish mine would adopt a similar policy, but they won't. So I have had some ridiculous scenarios. Business people often want their check split in such a way that in the end, there are more checks printed than there are people sitting at the table. For instance, a group of 4 people will have 8 checks -- one for each person's food and another for their alcohol. Stop. The. Madness.
In other circumstances, huge parties will demand individual checks.
This group of 14 people wanted their check split in such a complex manner (there were vouchers involved, don't ask) that eventually I had to say to them, "Just trust me, you will be charged the correct amount," as they left. You can see I crossed amounts out and scribbled in new ones. I was put through the ringer and am not proud of this mess of a ticket. But in the end? I got it right.
I'm not sure what the magic number is, but if your party is printing out 8 or more checks, consider cutting your server some slack. We pray that one of you will save us from this nightmare by standing up and taking care of the bill.
5. KICK IT OLD SCHOOL. CASH IS KING.
If I could leave you with one piece of advice regarding getting out of the restaurant right away after splitting checks, it is this: Just bring cash. Small bills, too. There is nothing more beautiful than a guest who hands me a check presenter and says, "I'm paying in cash. Keep the change." No cards to swipe, no checks to print, no more time wasted for you or for me.
Of course, we're obligated to take your money however you give it to us. I just wish that the end of a lovely meal wasn't marred by the fact that so many guests need to nit-pick over every single penny of their check. To be frank, when you walk through certain doors you know you're going to spend more than if you'd walked through others. Break bread with friends, sip good wine, enjoy the atmosphere. Do your server a favor and pay the bill as simply as you can. Then make like a banana, and split.